


It’s Not Enough

by Lokidog



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Drama, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Smarm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-10-18
Updated: 2004-10-18
Packaged: 2018-10-07 03:14:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10351101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lokidog/pseuds/Lokidog
Summary: Summary: Jack has trouble dealing with a mission gone wrong.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Yuma, the archivist: this work was originally archived at [Stargatefan.com](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Stargatefan.com). To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [StargateFan Archive Collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/StargateFan_Archive_Collection).

Stargate SG-1 FanFiction - It’s Not Enough

##  It’s Not Enough

##### Written by Nancy Richardson   
Comments? Write to us at nancy_felix@telus.net

  * SUMMARY : Jack has trouble dealing with a mission gone wrong. 
  * PG-13 [Hc] [A] [S] [D] 



* * *

"It’s not enough."

Colonel Jack O’Neill looked up and slowly focused on the young woman addressing him.

"The bill comes to $12.32. You only gave me ten dollars, sir," the clerk explained patiently.

Jack merely stared, his mind on another time, another planet.

**  
**

Flashback

The blade pierced through the pale skin, the blood beading to the surface. The priest jabbered in his ear, but Jack couldn’t take his eyes off the blood. Daniel’s blood.

"It’s not enough," Daniel whispered.

**  
**

Present Day

"Colonel."

Jack heard Major Samantha Carter’s voice, but he couldn’t take his eyes off Daniel.

Sir," Sam said more sharply, her hand on Jack’s arm.

Jack stiffened and looked at Sam, his eyes not quite registering her presence.

"Carter?" he said absently.

"Sir, let’s go," she said, indicating the bagged groceries. "I’ve got your change." 

Jack glanced at the groceries, the wary clerk, and his anxious major.

"Crap," he muttered, quickly snatching the bags and heading for the exit.

Sam looked apologetically at the grocery clerk, and she felt a flash of guilt. There was nothing to feel apologetic about. The colonel was in pain. She hurried after her CO.

"What was that all about?" the clerk mused to her fellow employee. "Guy must be whacked out on drugs or something."

"Didn’t you hear what she called him?" the other queried. "She called him Colonel and sir. I bet he’s Air Force. Post traumatic stress would be my guess."

"Could be. It was creepy whatever it was. He looked so far away or something," the first clerk frowned.

"Damned good-looking though."

"Oh, yeah."

"He can go weird at my till anytime," the second clerk laughed.

***************

For one agonizing moment, Sam thought she had lost Jack. She couldn’t see him, and he wasn’t anywhere near her car. She looked around frantically and spotted him leaning against a wall, the bags dangling from his hands.

_  
_

Thank God, she sighed.

Sam calmed her breathing and went over to Jack, effortlessly removing the grocery bags from his slack fingers.

"Daniel’s going to be fine, sir," she said softly. "He’s a fighter."

Jack shook his head. "It’s not enough."

"Sir?"

"It’s not enough, Carter," he repeated. "We go on a mission. Daniel gets the shit kicked out of him. Doc patches him up. We go on another mission. Daniel gets the shit kicked out of him." He smiled grimly, shook his head and pushed himself away from the wall. Suddenly, he whirled and smashed his opens palms against the unyielding surface.

"Goddamnit, it’s not enough!" he shouted.

"Sir," Sam said urgently, "let me take you back to the base. Let me take you to see Daniel."

Jack lowered his head, allowing his stinging hands to distract him momentarily. "I see Daniel every time I close my goddamn eyes, Carter. Crap, I don’t even have to close my eyes," he chuckled ruefully. "Shit, I can’t do this anymore."

"Colonel, please, let me take you back to the base."

Jack nodded wearily and followed her to the car, oblivious to the gaze of curious onlookers.

**************************

Sam’s thoughts were in turmoil as she drove to the SGC. She glanced sideways at her silent, brooding passenger. She thought of all the times Daniel had been injured, killed, and God forbid, abandoned. The number was appalling, but he always came back. The team would rejoice and life would go on. Each incident was frightening in its own way, but the team always emerged stronger. What was different this time? Why was the colonel, dare she think it, giving up? She shivered at the memory of seeing Daniel and the colonel after their rescue by SG-3 and SG-9. Daniel, so pale with his blood literally draining out of him, clasped firmly in the colonel’s arms. The colonel, wearing a haunted look that she would never forget, desperately trying to staunch the flow of blood from the worst of the wounds.

Jack stared out the window. He knew Carter was worried about him, but he couldn’t deal with that right now. He closed his eyes. It never should have happened. _Damn it, Daniel. This never should have happened._

**  
**

Flashback

Jack frowned as the leader he thought of as Birdman garbled and gibbered to Daniel. 

Daniel stared intently at the imposing feather-garbed leader, his lightening-quick mind translating gestures and words. SG-1 was definitely in trouble. Out of the corner of his eye, Daniel could see the rest of his teammates. Their hands were tied behind their backs, and they were surrounded by an opulently attired, but desperate-looking mob. Excited by their leader’s voice they moved in closer. Sam, to her annoyance, was receiving particular attention.

"Easy, Major," Jack cautioned. "Daniel," he called warily, "talk to me."

Daniel turned slightly, unwilling to take his eyes off the flamboyant leader.

"It’s not enough," Daniel said, trying to keep the trepidation out of his voice.

"For crying out loud, what the hell is enough?" Jack demanded. "Tell Big Bird they’ve already got all our weapons and our equipment. Crap, they’ve even got our MRE’s," he groused, glaring at the man plucking at his jacket. In spite of his restraints he drew back sharply.

"You’re not getting my clothes, damn it!"

"O’Neill!"

"Colonel!"

The simultaneous call of warning from Teal’c and Carter caused Jack to whirl, narrowly deflecting the plunging knife from piercing his shoulder.

"No!" Daniel shouted before unleashing a volley of extremely angry-sounding words. 

A sharp command from the feathered leader achieved immediate results. The throng surrounding Jack, Teal’c, and Sam stepped back.

Jack breathed a little easier at the welcome space. _Way to go, Daniel. Keep it up_. Whatever was going on between Daniel and Birdman, it was intense. As always, Jack was impressed with his young friend’s skills. When Daniel Jackson was pissed off it was a sight to behold. It was also nerve-wracking as hell.

"Carter, Teal’c, any ideas?" Jack inquired under his breath.

"Their weapons are primitive, O’Neill," Teal’c said. 

"They haven’t given Teal’c a second glance, sir," Sam observed, "except in an assessing another warrior kind of way," she added hastily. "Sorry, Teal’c," she smiled.

"I am not offended, Major Carter. You are correct. They do not appear to recognize the mark of a Jaffa or of Apophis. If the Goa’uld were here it was many years ago." 

"Okay, well that’s good, I suppose," Jack surmised.

"Although they appear fierce, O’Neill, I do not believe these people have engaged in battle for quite some time," Teal’c intoned.

"You mean their whole hostile demeanor is an act?" Sam inquired.

"To intimidate us?" Jack queried.

"Indeed, that would seem to be their objective," Teal’c concluded.

Jack took another, more assessing look at their captors. The one who had tried to stab him was glaring back at him, fingers clenching his knife.

"Uh, Teal’c," Jack whispered, gesturing to the knife-wielder. "That guy did try to stab me, and I’m pretty sure he’d like to try it again."

"You are correct, O’Neill. I do not believe he has your best interests at heart," Teal’c agreed.

"Ah, so this theory of yours?" Jack queried, his eyebrows raised.

"Is there not a Tau’ri expression. ‘to every rule there is an exception’?"

"Right," Jack sighed. "Okay, let’s start at the beginning. Any ideas?"

"I believe our lives are in the hands of Daniel Jackson," Teal’c said somberly.

The three members of SG-1 turned as one to observe their fourth. 

"What else is new?" Jack murmured, scrutinizing the archaeologist’s progress. He liked to think he was pretty adept at reading Daniel’s body language, and he didn’t like what he was seeing. Daniel was fighting for their lives, and when Daniel fought for their safety he had the nasty and annoying habit of forgetting about his own.

"I’m not getting a good feeling here, guys," Jack muttered.

**  
**

Present Day

"Colonel? Sir!" Sam called loudly.

"I’m not deaf, Carter," Jack said, vainly trying to shed Daniel’s image from his mind.

"I’m sorry, sir, but I thought we should drop these off first," she said, indicating the groceries in the back seat.

Jack glanced at the bags and then out the window. They were parked in front of his house. He didn’t even remember leaving the parking lot of the store.

"Good idea, Major. I won’t be long," Jack said, thankful to get out of the car.

Sam watched him carry the groceries into his house. She gnawed her bottom lip nervously.

******************

Jack methodically put the groceries away, concentrating on each item, focusing to keep his other thoughts at bay. He was doing pretty well too until he pulled out the coffee. Daniel’s favorite brand. He didn’t remember getting it. Maybe Carter had picked it up. He stared at the package. The words blurred as stinging tears welled up in his eyes.

**  
**

Flashback

"Daniel, what the hell is this?" Jack asked, staring at the knife.

"To be chosen is an honor, Jack," Daniel whispered.

"You’re out of your fucking mind," Jack hissed.

"You have no choice, Jack. You have to do it. It’s our only chance," Daniel explained calmly.

**  
**

Present Day

"Damn it, Daniel. You had no right. You had no fucking right. It wasn’t your choice," Jack growled, slamming the coffee down on the counter.

"Colonel?" 

"What?" Jack yelled, whirling to face his second.

Sam stared at her distraught CO and was speechless.

Jack felt the tears on his face, and he brushed at them wearily as he reined in his emotions.

"Sorry, Carter. You caught me at a bad time," he mumbled, turning around to put the coffee away.

"Um, Janet just called, sir. She’s taken Daniel off life support."

Jack’s back went rigid, and Sam sucked in a breath. _Oh, God. He thinks Daniel’s dying_.

"Daniel’s fine, sir," she said hastily. "He’s breathing on his own."

Jack turned, and the desperate hope in his face brought sudden tears to her eyes.

"Janet’s keeping him under heavy sedation, but his vitals are better. Much better. She’s very pleased."

"Thank God," Jack breathed, leaning against the counter. He lowered his head and rubbed the back of his neck. "He’s done it again, hasn’t he, Carter?"

"That’s Daniel, sir," she said lightly, not really sure what the colonel was asking.

Jack looked up at her and laughed, and then he took her totally by surprise by wrapping his arms around her in a warm hug.

"Let’s go see, Daniel," he said, stepping back and smiling.

"Yes, sir," she said somewhat nervously.

"Carter? Are you okay?"

"I’m fine, sir. I just…it’s just that… the last words I said to Daniel…Oh, God, I was so wrong," she said, shamefaced.

"You weren’t alone," Jack said.

**  
**

Flashback

"Colonel, I think Daniel’s making progress," Sam whispered.

"I believe they are coming to an agreement, O’Neill," Teal’c stated.

Jack watched as Birdman stepped back from Daniel. He spoke loudly and then plunged his staff into the ground.

Daniel stared at the staff, nodded sharply, and plucked it from the ground.

A chorus of excited murmurs rushed through their captors, and Jack’s heart rate tripled. _Oh, God, Danny, what have you done?_

"Daniel?" he called.

Jack knew that Daniel had heard him because he saw his back stiffen.

Birdman uttered a few more guttural sounds to Daniel.

Jack watched with unease as Daniel’s hand clenched the staff, his knuckles white.

"Sir, what’s going on?" Sam asked, not expecting an answer but needing to say something.

Jack didn’t answer. He was staring at Daniel who was walking towards them, his eyes downcast. _Never a good sign. Jesus, Daniel, look at me_.

"Daniel, what’s going on?" Jack asked casually.

Head still bowed, Daniel stopped in front of Jack. He clenched the staff and finally looked up.

The raw pain and grief in his friend’s eyes sent shivers up Jack’s spine.

"I had to choose," Daniel explained quietly. "I’m sorry, Jack," he whispered, whereupon he plunged the staff into the ground at Jack’s feet.

A roar of approval resounded in the ears of SG-1, but Jack heard none of it. He stared into the anguished blue eyes, searching for an explanation.

"The village is dying," Daniel explained emotionlessly. "Their crops have failed three years in a row. Their babies are born dead. They say the soil is cursed. Legend says that their land will be cleansed by the blood of a stranger, a stranger from the circle of water, sent by their god." Daniel’s eyes shimmered and his voice choked, "I’m sorry, Jack," he repeated.

Jack felt strong hands encircle his arms, and he finally understood. Daniel had bargained for the lives of the others: Jack’s life for the life of his team. It was a fair trade. Jack didn’t want to die, but he always knew he’d die protecting his team. 

"Carter and Teal’c?" Jack asked, his voice sounding thick in his ears.

"They won’t he harmed," Daniel assured. "As soon as the ceremony is completed they’ll be free to go."

"Colonel, what’s going on?" Sam asked, refusing to believe that Daniel had just condemned the colonel to death.

Jack nodded to Daniel. "You did the right thing, Daniel," he said, his mind still numb with recent events.

Tears swam in the younger man’s eyes. "I had no choice."

"Daniel, you can’t do this," Sam said angrily.

"It’s the only thing I can do, Sam," Daniel said sadly.

"Well, maybe it’s the only thing you can do, Daniel, but I’m sure as hell not going to stand idly by and watch the colonel be slaughtered," she retorted.

"Carter, don’t even think about it," Jack ordered. "We’re hopelessly outnumbered, not to mention, tied up, and as primitive as their weapons are, they are deadly." He lowered his voice. "Listen, we’ve already missed one check-in. Another ten minutes and we’ll miss our second. General Hammond‘s going to send a MALP through, then search and rescue. If we can stall this…ceremony, or drag it along, it may buy us enough time."

"O’Neill is correct, Major Carter," Teal’c offered.

Jack saw the fire in his second’s eyes simmer to a smoldering acceptance, but she wouldn’t look at Daniel. Jack knew he should do something about that, but his imminent death seemed to preoccupy his thoughts.

**  
**

Present Day

"He didn’t want you to know, Carter," Jack said gently. "None of us were supposed to know."

"I know that now, sir," Sam said brushing away her tears, "but God, I was so…so…"

"Pissed?" 

"Yes, sir. Damn it, I should have known," she said angrily.

"We all should have known, Major," Jack said as they walked to the car. _No, I should’ve known. Why did I so readily believe that Daniel offered my life?_

****************

"You look like crap, Daniel," Jack muttered, looking down at his pale, injured friend.

Blood transfusions had brought some color back to the pallid features, but he still looked wasted. Drained. _Literally_ , Jack thought bitterly.

Jack listened to the steady rhythm of the medical monitors, assuring him that Daniel was alive. Daniel’s bare shoulder peeked out from underneath the sheet. He reached out and gently, but purposely, pulled back the sheet to reveal the bandaged and bruised torso of his friend. He stared in horror at the drainage tube and the exposed stitches. He didn’t remember there being that many cuts. How could he not remember?

"Colonel O’Neill?" Dr. Janet Fraiser said calmly, coming up beside him.

Jack continued to stare at Daniel’s injuries, heedless of her presence.

"Colonel," Janet said a little more forcefully, reaching around him to grasp the sheet and cover her patient.

Jack started and looked at her, grief and disbelief in his eyes.

"Colonel, Daniel is doing much better," she soothed. "I know it may not look like it, but he is."

"I don’t remember," Jack murmured.

"You don’t remember what, Colonel?" she asked in concern, frowning at his demeanor.

"So many cuts," he said hollowly, looking back at Daniel. "I don’t remember. How could I not remember?" He turned to face her, a dark wildness in his eyes. "How could I not remember?" he demanded loudly.

"Colonel, please, you have to calm down," Janet said firmly. "It’s not uncommon to block out traumatic events. You were a witness to an appalling ceremony," she explained rationally.

"Witness?" Jack laughed with an ugly mocking sound that curled Janet’s toes. "I wasn’t a fucking witness! I performed the goddamned ceremony! I did this to him!" he raged.

"Colonel," she said, waving off an orderly, "we’ll talk in my office."

The fire in Jack’s eyes died, and he looked back at Daniel. His body trembled, and he felt sick. It was out now. His dirty little secret. The horror of what he had done. The horror that Daniel had made him do.

"I will stay with Daniel Jackson," a deep voice announced.

Janet looked gratefully at Teal’c and nodded her approval.

"Colonel O’Neill," she said gently, placing her hand on his arm.

Jack took a deep, ragged breath and nodded. He turned, unable to look at Teal’c and allowed Janet to guide him to her office.

"O’Neill."

Jack stopped, but didn’t turn around.

"Daniel Jackson chose you. That is a great honor," Teal’c said solemnly.

"Honor?" Jack said, shaking his head. "Tell me, Teal’c," he said turning around slowly. "Where is the honor in slicing your teammate to ribbons? Where is the honor in losing your grip on the knife because it’s slick with the blood of your friend?"

"Daniel Jackson is alive and well, as are we all. There is honor in survival and trust."

"Trust?" Jack spat. "He trusted me to watch his back, not stab it."

"Daniel Jackson trusted you to do what needed to be done to ensure the survival of SG-1. He chose wisely," Teal’c said dismissively, turning his attention back to his young friend in the bed.

"Colonel," Janet urged.

Jack took one last look at Daniel, steeled himself for what was to come, and followed Janet into her office.

Janet sat down and waited for Jack to follow suit, but he chose to walk around the small space, hands thrust deep into his pockets. 

"You know, all the times I’ve been in the infirmary I’ve never really been in your office," Jack commented idly.

"You’re always welcome, Colonel."

Jack nodded doubtfully. "Even now?"

"What does that mean?" Janet asked frowning.

"Come on, Doc, you don’t have to go Mackenzie on me."

"All right, Colonel O’Neill, I’ll make this simple," she said, clasping her hands together. "Firstly, am I surprised you falsified reports to General Hammond and myself? Yes. Secondly, am I surprised to learn that you inflicted the injuries on Dr. Jackson? Yes. And thirdly, am I surprised that Daniel set you up? No."

Jack looked at her in surprise and then laughed ruefully. "He did set me up, didn’t he? The son-of-a-bitch knew what I thought, but he didn’t say a word."

Jane held her tongue and asked quietly, "What happened on that planet?"

Jack took a deep breath and said, "You better call General Hammond. I want to repeat this as little as possible."

Janet nodded approvingly and picked up the phone.

Jack checked out the desk accoutrements while Janet was otherwise engaged. _Not nearly as much fun as Daniel’s desk._

"The general’s on his way," Janet informed, placing the phone down.

Jack nodded weakly and sat down with a sigh.

"What about Major Carter and Teal’c," Janet asked. 

"Teal’c knows. Carter, well, Carter’s got her own problems right now," Jack informed her.

"Oh?" Janet said, surprised at the information.

"Yeah, she feels guilty for so readily believing that Daniel had offered my life in exchange for the rest of the team."

"Isn’t that what you all believed?" Janet asked.

"No. Teal’c didn’t buy it for a second. Me? Yeah, I believed it, but I was surprised. Not that he had chosen me, but because he did what he should’ve done."

"But he didn’t choose you," Janet said guardedly.

"Oh, no, he chose me all right. Just not in the way I expected." 

Janet nodded, but didn’t want to press further without the presence of the general.

"You said that Teal’c knew of Daniel’s intentions," she said.

Jack drummed his fingers on his knees before responding. "I don’t know if it played out exactly as he envisioned, but he was way ahead of the rest of us."

"He didn’t say anything?" Janet asked.

"Not a peep. I should’ve known though, damn it. I saw that look between them. You know the one I mean?"

"Yes, Colonel, I think I do," she smiled.

Jack returned the smile, and he began to relax. "Have you got any coffee?"

"My nurse just put a fresh pot on a few minutes ago. I’ll be back in a minute," she said, glad to help Jack in any way.

Jack took the few minutes of solitude to collect his thoughts. Uppermost in his mind was the fact that Daniel was getting better. That’s all that really mattered. He stood up and walked to the observation window to verify that Daniel was indeed safe and well.

"Here you are, Colonel," Janet said breezily, handing him a large mug of coffee.

"Thanks, Doc."

They resumed their seats and sipped their coffees thoughtfully. A firm rap on the door garnered their attention. They looked up as General Hammond stepped through the door. 

Jack felt the walls of the room close in. He stood up, glanced briefly at the sharp blue eyes of his commanding officer and then focused on the stars on the general’s shoulder.

"At ease, Colonel, Doctor Fraiser," Hammond said amiably.

"General, can I get you some coffee? It’s fresh," Janet informed.

"Thank you Doctor, that would be most kind," Hammond replied.

"I won’t be a minute," Janet said, excusing herself.

"How are you doing, Jack." Hammond asked quietly, taking a seat.

Jack paused, unprepared for the informal tone. "Fine, uh, Doc says Daniel’s getting better," he replied hollowly as he resumed his seat.

"The boy never ceases to amaze me," Hammond remarked affectionately.

"Yes, sir," Jack agreed softly.

"Dr. Fraiser mentioned there’s some new information about what occurred on P5Y- 218."

"Yes, sir," Jack replied, staring at his hands.

The general eyed his second critically. "I’m about to be amazed again, am I correct?"

Jack looked up and smiled grimly. "That’s not the word I’d choose, General." 

"I see. Perhaps the good doctor has something stronger than coffee?"

Jack smiled and relaxed a little more. _Daniel’s going to be fine. Just remember that. Daniel’s going to be fine._

"I heard that, General," Janet said, returning with his coffee. "You know my views on alcohol and the workplace."

"Alcohol?" Hammond said in mock surprise. "Did I say anything about alcohol, Colonel?"

"Not that I heard, General," Jack said, playing along. "Is your hearing okay, Doc? Maybe you should get it checked."

"My hearing is just fine, gentlemen," Janet said, sitting down and marveling at the general’s tactic of putting the colonel at ease.

Hammond took a sip of his coffee and nodded approvingly. "Damn, strong coffee, Doctor."

"Thank you, General."

"So, Colonel O’Neill," Hammond said, placing his mug down. "What new information do you wish to share?"

Jack stiffened and flushed slightly at the implied reprimand. He cast a brief, hopeful look at Janet.

"I’m not the enemy here, son," Hammond said gently. "Tell me what really happened on P5Y-218."

"It’s…it’s not that easy to say, General," Jack said faltering.

"Take your time, Colonel. This isn’t an inquisition."

"Thank you, sir." Jack folded his hands together and stared at the floor. He didn’t know how to begin.

"You said in your report that SG-1 was ambushed and disarmed by hostile natives shortly after arriving on the planet," Hammond said.

"Yes, sir. They were hiding in the trees and the brush. We were all taken by surprise," Jack informed dully. "We were roughed up a little, but they clearly wanted us alive. Daniel…Daniel was able to communicate with them, and we were taken to their leader."

"Your report said Dr. Jackson believed they were Mayan descendents and that they believed you to be sacrificial gifts from the gods," Hammond said.

Jack nodded. "Daniel managed to convince Birdman, uh, the head guy that one sacrifice was all that was necessary. He tried to get us out of there, all of us, but I guess, in the end, he had to choose a victim."

"And he chose himself," Hammond supplied quietly.

"Yes, sir."

"However, you didn’t realize that until the actual ceremony. Before that, you all thought Dr. Jackson had chosen you."

"No sir, not all of us. Teal’c knew it wasn’t me."

"I see," Hammond remarked, pondering this new information. "I take it Teal’c chose not to reveal this information."

"A question of honor, sir," Jack remarked tightly.

"Honor can be a tricky thing," Hammond murmured.

"Oh, crap," Jack muttered suddenly, lowering his head.

"Colonel?" Hammond inquired.

"Damn it. Daniel said once the ceremony was over Carter and Teal’c would be free to go. He said, ‘they’ll be free to go,’ not, ‘we’ll be free.’ It was right there and I missed it. Damn it!" he repeated, slapping his knee in anger.

When Jack offered no further elucidation, Hammond continued. "Colonel, you said Dr. Jackson placed a staff in the ground in front of you and apologized."

Jack drew in a deep breath and released it slowly.

"Yes, sir. We…I thought that meant he had chosen me as the sacrifice."

"Instead, he had chosen you to witness his death."

Jack looked grimly at the concerned blue eyes and shook his head. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Janet’s hands clasp together.

"No, sir. Daniel chose me to be his executioner."

Hammond couldn’t hide the shock or horror on his face. _My God, Jack. You kept this to yourself?_ He looked at Janet whose own face was grim.

"They separated us," Jack continued in a monotone. "Carter and Teal’c were taken into a hut. I was taken into another, and Daniel…Daniel went with Birdman. He told me not to worry and just do what they asked." Jack gave a rueful laugh. "Not to worry." He looked at Hammond and said, "You know, when he said that my first thought was, ‘Easy for you to say. You’re not the one being sacrificed.’"

"And your second thought?" Hammond prodded gently, his mind still reeling with the horror of the colonel’s confession.

"My second thought? My second thought was, ‘Daniel’s got a trick up his sleeve.’ God, why didn’t I see it coming?" Jack lamented, rubbing his forehead.

"Dr. Jackson has a knack of doing the unexpected," Hammond offered kindly.

"Which is precisely why I should’ve expected it," Jack replied wearily.

"What happened next?" Hammond inquired.

Jack leaned back, looking as wrung out as he sounded.

"Take your time, Jack."

Jack nodded and gathered his thoughts. "They made me strip and bathe. They gave me this outfit to wear and then painted some marks on my face and hands. I just figured I had to be a presentable sacrifice. I dragged it out as long as I could."

"To buy you and your team some time," Hammond said firmly.

"Yeah. Also, I was in no great hurry to die," Jack muttered.

"What did you think Dr. Jackson was doing during this time?"

"I figured he was doing what he does. Talking, trying to explain, and looking for another option. And maybe he did all that, but it sure as hell didn’t help him."

"When did you realize it was Dr. Jackson who was marked to die," Janet asked, studiously avoiding the general’s eyes.

"They, uh, took me out to a site. A sacred site. I was blindfolded. I remember thinking what was the point when I was going to be killed anyway? What did it matter if I saw where their crummy site was? God, even then I didn’t clue in," he murmured bitterly.

"Dr. Jackson was there," Hammond said quietly.

Jack nodded and clenched his fists. "Yeah, he was there. They took the blindfold off me and there he was: laid out on this damn slab. His wrists and ankles were tied. He was wearing a loincloth of some sort. Nothing else. He had markings on his face and chest, similar to mine, I guess."

"What did you do?" Janet asked.

"I didn’t do anything. I stood there gaping like an idiot. Daniel’s not even looking at me, and the next thing I know I have this knife in my hand and they push me towards Daniel. That’s when I finally found my voice. I called his name. He looked at me. He…he had tears in his eyes. He said…," Jack swallowed hard. "He said, ‘I’m sorry, Jack. I didn’t know any other way.’"

Jack sat up and wrapped his arms around his middle.

Hammond cleared his throat. "Dr. Jackson’s injuries include extensive knife wounds."

"Yes, sir. Knife wounds inflicted by me," Jack replied looking up. "He said I had to kill him. He said his blood…his blood had to flow continuously until he died. If it stopped, the ceremony would be ruined and another victim chosen." Jack swallowed the bile rising in his throat. "He also said if I stopped, the leader would intervene and cut out his heart."

Janet, white as a ghost, looked away and wiped her eyes.

"Dear God," Hammond whispered.

"I had to believe you’d come looking for us," Jack said despairingly. "I had to…oh, God, I had to make it last."

Jack dropped his head in his hands, the images of his ordeal washing over him.

"You did what you had to do, Colonel. You brought your team home," Hammond said sincerely.

"There was so much blood," Jack said, not heeding the general’s words. "I cut him again and again. But it was never enough. It was never fucking enough. There wasn’t enough blood. ‘Cut deeper,’ he said."

"The leader?" Hammond hazarded a guess.

"No, Daniel," Jack whispered in an anguished voice. "I made the cuts deeper…and longer. He never screamed. Not once. Birdman kept jabbering. I don’t know how he did it, but Daniel would talk to him…and me."

"What did Dr. Jackson say to you?" Hammond asked gently, reminding himself that Daniel was alive and well in the next room.

"Just…stuff," Jack said, shaking his head.

"Colonel," Janet said quietly. "Daniel’s internal injuries. How did that happen?"

Jack drew in a shaky breath, vividly recalling the events that almost lead to Daniel’s death.

"At some point, everybody started making noise and gesticulating. Birdman jabbered at me and made stabbing motions towards Daniel. Daniel…Daniel wasn’t saying much at that point. The pain…the pain was getting to him." Jack stopped and rubbed the back of his neck. "I yelled at Birdman to shut the hell up. Then I heard Daniel. His voice was hoarse and bubbly, but I heard him clear as day. He said, ‘They’re here.’"

"SG-3 and SG-9," Hammond said.

"They rushed in, and I tried to cut Daniel loose. Birdman screamed and lunged for the knife. I couldn’t hang on to it what with all the blood," Jack admitted quietly. "He stabbed Daniel. He aimed for his heart. I tried to stop him, but I couldn’t. "

"But you deflected it away," Hammond said.

Jack nodded, the haunting images evident in his face. "I couldn’t stop him."

"You saved his life, Colonel O’Neill," Janet said firmly.

Jack looked at her with pain-ridden eyes filled with self-loathing. 

"I butchered him."

"Colonel, you didn’t have a choice," Janet said, controlling her own outrage at both her friends’ ordeal.

"Dr. Fraiser is correct, Colonel," Hammond declared. "You did what you had to do to save your team."

Jack fisted his hands into his air. "You’re not listening," he muttered. He raised his head, his face line with anger and pain. "I did have a choice, but that bastard took it away," he hissed.

"The alien leader?" Hammond asked confused.

"No, damn it! Daniel!" he raged, standing up abruptly, his chair skidding behind him. "I’m the goddamned team leader! It was my decision, not his!" Jack turned and walked over to the window, trying to quell his anger. He saw Teal’c, standing guard at the head of Daniel’s bed, glower at a nurse who was adjusting Daniel’s IV lines. Jack lowered his head, leaning heavily on the window. "He had no right. He had no right," he murmured softly.

General Hammond looked at Janet who nodded and discreetly left the room.

"Sit down, Jack," Hammond said.

"Is that an order?" Jack asked after a strained silence.

"No, it’s an invitation to a friend."

Ashamed, Jack slowly nodded and returned to his seat.

"Why did you leave this out of your report?" Hammond asked.

"Why?" Jack asked incredulously. "I butchered a member of my own team. A friend. I didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t want anyone to deal with it."

"You thought it would just go away?"

"Oh, no," Jack laughed mirthlessly. It won’t ever go away." He stood up and began pacing. "I knew if…when Daniel woke up he’d tell you what really happened. I just…I don’t know, I just wasn’t ready to face it. I’m sorry for falsifying my report, General. I’ll have a revised copy on your desk within the hour. I know it was unprofessional and cowardly, but—"

"Jack, sit down. You’re making me dizzy," Hammond requested.

"Sorry," Jack smiled weakly and resumed his seat.

Hammond reached into his pocket and pulled out a small flask. "The report can wait. Here," he said, passing the flask to Jack.

Jack eyed the proffered object and arched his eyebrows. "In Fraiser’s office?"

"I still outrank the good doctor," Hammond smiled, "and under the circumstances I don’t think she’d mind. But, to be on the safe side, just one sip," he cautioned as Jack opened the flask and sniffed its contents appreciatively.

Jack took a drink, screwed up his face, and swallowed. The liquid burned down his throat and into his gut, infusing his body with warmth. "Smooth," he gasped, reaching for his coffee.

Hammond laughed gently and took a sip for himself before returning the flask to his pocket.

"Who are you really angry at, Jack?" Hammond asked quietly. "Dr. Jackson because he tricked you, or yourself because you allowed him to?" Hammond asked.

"It’s hard to separate the two," Jack admitted dully, staring into his coffee.

"What Dr. Jackson did, he did out of compassion."

Jack looked up from his coffee warily.

"Colonel, given the fact that Dr. Jackson was to be the sacrifice, who would you have picked to be his executioner? A hostile stranger? Major Carter? Teal’c? No, you’d pick yourself," Hammond said, not giving Jack an opportunity to answer. "He knew that, and he made that choice for you hoping to spare you that pain. We didn’t lose Dr. Jackson, thank God, but if we had, how would you feel if he had died not only by your hand, but by your choice?"

Jack gazed into Hammond’s compassionate blue eyes. "I don’t think I could live with myself," he confessed quietly.

Hammond nodded grimly at the disturbing, but expected answer.

"I want you to talk to someone, Jack, and before you bite my head off, the man I want you to talk to is unconscious at the moment," Hammond explained gravely.

Jack’s eyes glanced from Hammond to the infirmary window and back again.

"Daniel Jackson is the only one you’ll really listen to, and I’m not sure who’s going to need who the most," Hammond said seriously.

Jack looked curiously at the warm, concerned eyes watching him.

"Colonel, can you honestly tell me that Dr. Jackson isn’t going to blame himself for this whole tragic affair? That he’s not going to feel responsible for the pain you’re going through when all he really wanted to do was alleviate that pain?"

"Crap," Jack muttered, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees, "he’s done it to me again." He massaged his temples, fighting back the tears. "Goddamnit, I don’t know whether to love him or hate him."

"He is a handful," Hammond said fondly.

Jack sat up with a sigh. "What he is, is the most stubborn, infuriating, argumentative son-of-a-bitch I have ever known, and God help me, I don’t want to lose him."

"I think you just answered your own question, son," Hammond said gently.

"Yeah," Jack said quietly, his eyes moist.

Hammond reached for his coffee and sipped thoughtfully. "I’ve contacted the Tok’ra," he announced casually.

Jack’s eyes narrowed and Hammond held up his hand. "Jacob is coming himself to help Dr. Jackson with his injuries. There is no way on God’s green earth I’ll allow that young man to carry those scars," he declared adamantly, "not if there’s something I can do about it." _And God knows neither of you need the physical reminders._

"Thank you, sir," Jack whispered.

"The emotional scars I’ll leave to you, Colonel. I don’t know of anyone more capable," Hammond said earnestly.

Jack opened his mouth to speak, but choked up. He nodded instead, barely holding on to his emotions.

Hammond offered the ubiquitous flask and Jack laughed, swiping at his eyes.

"No, thank you, sir. I’d like…I’d like to see Daniel now."

"Of course, Colonel," Hammond smiled approvingly.

The two veteran soldiers stood up and faced each other.

"Thank you, sir," Jack said.

"Any time, Jack. My door’s always open. Never forget that," Hammond said sincerely.

"I won’t, sir." Jack turned to leave, hesitated, and then turned back and quickly hugged the startled, but pleased general.

"Blame it on the whisky," Jack murmured, smoothing down the general’s shirt.

"I’d rather blame it on friendship and respect if you don’t mind," Hammond answered, his eyes shining.

Jack smiled. "I don’t mind at all, sir."

******************************

"How’s he doing?" Jack asked, gazing down at Daniel.

"Daniel Jackson has stirred, O’Neill, but he has not yet opened his eyes," Teal’c explained.

Jack reached out and fiddled with the top sheet, feeling the need to do something however pointless the act.

"You should have told me," Jack said quietly.

Teal’c’s dark eyes looked at Jack briefly before settling back on Daniel.

"It served no purpose," he answered simply.

Jack’s fists clenched as he stared at the impassive face.

"What would you have had me do, O’Neill? Tell you Daniel Jackson had offered his life for ours?"

"For starters, yes," Jack agreed adamantly.

"To which you would have sacrificed your life instead," Teal’c stated.

"Yes."

"But you already believed you had been chosen to die," Teal’c said reasonably.

"That’s not the same thing and you know it," Jack said, irritated at the Jaffa logic.

"If you had been marked for death, O’Neill, who would you have picked to be your executioner?"

Jack stiffened. It was a scenario he had thought about; a scenario that had no satisfactory outcome.

"You," he said firmly.

Teal’c bowed his head slightly. "I am honored."

"But," Jack sighed. "I know there’s a ‘but’ there somewhere."

"However," Teal’c said.

"But, however, whatever, get to the point, Teal’c," Jack said irritably.

"Neither you nor I spoke the language on P5Y-218."

"And because we didn’t speak the language…"

"You would have died long before the search and rescue teams had arrived," Teal’c finished.

"It’s all speculation," Jack said dismissively.

"Perhaps," Teal’c conceded.

A soft moan from the man in the bed drew their full attention.

"Daniel?" Jack said, reaching out and placing a rough hand on Daniel’s forehead. "You in there, buddy?"

Daniel blinked heavily, his words slurred. "Wha’ time is it?"

"It’s 1400 hours," Jack replied.

Daniel frowned, trying to process this information.

"Am I late?"

"No, you’re not late, Daniel," Jack laughed softly. "You’re not early either."

A deeper frown graced Daniel’s pale features.

"I will inform Dr. Fraiser," Teal’c said quietly.

Jack nodded his thanks without taking his eyes off Daniel.

"Are you thirsty?" Jack asked.

Daniel’s puzzled expression changed. This was something he could deal with. "Yeah," he rasped.

Here," Jack said, carefully placing a few ice chips into the parched mouth.

Daniel sighed happily at the sensation. The shock of the ice and its revitalizing effects prompted him to open his eyes and keep them open. He glanced at Jack and smiled.

"Hey."

"Hey, yourself."

"Infirmary?" Daniel guessed, sucking on the ice.

"Yep."

Daniel closed his eyes and asked, "What happened?"

Jack licked his lips and wondered where the hell Fraiser was. "P5Y-218," he answered tonelessly.

Daniel’s brow furrowed in thought. His eyes snapped open in understanding, and he gasped, inadvertently choking on his ice chips.

"Crap," Jack muttered, leaning over Daniel and helping him turn on to his side. He winced every time Daniel coughed. He knew what stitches felt like when they pulled, and Daniel was riddled with them.

"Oh, God," Daniel gasped, grimacing at the pain.

"Easy, Danny," Jack soothed, rubbing his friend’s back, unsure if Daniel was reacting to the pain, the memory or both. "You okay?" he asked as Daniel’s breathing evened out.

Daniel nodded and allowed Jack to ease him onto his back. Jack gently wiped Daniel’s mouth with his fingers trying not to see the guilt in the pained blue eyes.

"Don’t," Jack whispered, his chest constricting with his own pain.

Daniel’s eyes filled with tears as the memory of their ordeal assailed his mind.

"I’m sorry, Jack. I didn’t know any other way," he said hoarsely.

"Damnit, Daniel," Jack chided fondly. "You never listen to me. It’s okay," he said grasping a limp hand. "We all made it out, thanks to you."

"Dr. Jackson," Janet said brightly, breezing into the room. 

_  
_

Thank God, Jack thought, squeezing Daniel’s hand before stepping back to allow Janet unhindered access to her patient.

Daniel ignored Janet’s presence. His eyes were locked on Jack’s.

Jack’s heart was in his throat, cutting off all ability to speak. Instead, he tried to send a message with his eyes and a smile. He was rewarded with a hesitant smile and tear-filled eyes.

Jack mouthed the word, ‘later’, and waved as he left the room. 

Jack hurried out to the hallway and smack dab into Sam, Teal’c, and General Hammond.

"Colonel?" Sam asked anxiously.

"He’s awake," Jack said rubbing his forehead tiredly.

"Does he remember, O’Neill?"

Jack nodded and shivered. "Yeah, Teal’c, he remembers."

Jack looked at Hammond and smiled sadly. "You were right, General."

Hammond nodded in understanding. "It’ll take time, Colonel," he encouraged.

"Sir, does he…remember everything?" Sam asked nervously.

Jack looked at his agitated second and knew exactly what she was going through. She had her own demons to exorcise.

"Knowing Daniel, I expect he remembers everything and more," Jack smiled. "Don’t sweat it, Major. This is Daniel we’re talking about."

Sam nodded gratefully, but the bright sheen of her eyes belied her comfort.

************************

Daniel opened his eyes and slowly took in his surroundings. _Damn, still here_. He dropped his head to the side and saw his visitor.

Sam sat in the chair, head down, hands clasped together on her lap. Her guilt was eating her alive. No amount of positive reinforcing from her teammates or Janet could ease her self-loathing. Only one person could absolve her, and maybe not even him.

Daniel studied his friend closely. He knew what she was thinking, and what she was going through. He had his own fences to mend. If he couldn’t fix things with Sam…

"Sam?"

Sam started and looked up. The warm, blue eyes smiling back at her brought fresh tears to her eyes.

"Daniel," she smiled, rubbing her eyes quickly. "How are you feeling?" _Dumb, Carter. Really dumb._

"Good," Daniel said. "You?"

"Great, great. I’m great," Sam said quickly.

"Liar," Daniel said affectionately.

Sam stared and then dropped her masquerade. She never could lie to Daniel.

"Oh, God, I don’t know what to say," she said brokenly.

"Did you want me to die instead of Jack?" Daniel asked.

"No, of course not," she said horrified. "I just…"

"Wanted me to make the offer?" Daniel suggested gently.

"Yes," Sam agreed, hating herself. "Oh, God, Daniel, I should’ve known."

"That would’ve wrecked everything," Daniel teased.

"I was-I was so quick to believe," she said angrily.

"It’s okay, Sam. I needed you to believe," Daniel assured her.

"But I—,"

"You felt helpless," Daniel interjected. "You were angry and scared. Scared for all of us. You reacted the way I needed you to react. So did Teal’c, and so did Jack. Just like a team."

"But they didn’t believe you," she argued.

"Jack did."

"But he didn’t hate you."

"Neither did you," Daniel insisted. "Sam, you were mad at me, and maybe even shocked, but you didn’t hate me. How could you?" he asked with an impish smile.

Sam smiled and leaned over to place a soft kiss on Daniel’s forehead.

"Now, Jack on the other hand," Daniel murmured.

"Daniel, how can you say that?" Sam asked, her own shame temporarily forgotten.

"You know how he gets," Daniel shrugged.

"Yes, but…" she stopped, flustered with her reasoning.

"But look at me?" Daniel guessed.

Sam blushed and lowered her eyes. "You were severely injured, Daniel. How could he be angry," she asked, looking up, "especially since he had to watch?"

Daniel’s eyebrows rose. _Watch? Ah, Jack, what are you doing to yourself?_

Sam frowned at Daniel’s reaction. "You don’t remember the colonel being there?"

"No," Daniel said wearily, "I remember him being there." _God, how could I forget? The look in his eyes every time he had to use the knife._

"Do you want me to get Janet?" Sam asked, afraid that she had overtaxed Daniel.

Daniel looked at her and nodded. It was a way to end this conversation. "Please, I’m feeling a bit sore."

"Okay," she replied, quickly standing up.

"Sam?" Daniel said, reaching for her hand which she grasped firmly. "You’re okay, now?"

She squeezed his hand and felt tears in her eyes. "I will be," she said honestly.

"Good," he smiled tiredly. "Come and see me later?"

"Count on it," she vowed.

Daniel watched her leave and closed his eyes. _Damn it, Jack, I’m sorry_.

"Daniel, do you need something for the pain?" Janet asked, concern evident in her dark eyes.

"Uh, no, I’m fine," Daniel admitted, coloring slightly. "I just needed to be alone."

"You don’t have to feel guilty about wanting privacy, Daniel," Janet assured him kindly. "Can I get you anything?"

"No, thank you."

"Okay, I’ll be back to check on you in a couple of hours."

"Um, Janet?" Daniel said, biting the inside of his lip.

"Yes?"

Daniel frowned, unsure if he should say anything.

"Daniel, what is it?"

"Something Sam said. She said…she said that Jack had to watch."

Understanding flashed across Janet’s face, and she returned to his bedside.

"She doesn’t know yet, Daniel," Janet explained gently. "Colonel O’Neill’s report on P5Y-218 was a little incomplete," she said tactfully. "He’s since told the general and me what really happened. About how he had to hurt you. He said that Teal’c already knew, but he doesn’t want Sam to know until she’s dealt with other issues."

"She’s done that," Daniel said.

"That’s good to hear," Janet said with relief.

"Has Jack been by?" Daniel asked.

"Of course he has, Daniel. He’s hardly left your bedside. He left just a couple of hours ago to go off-world with SG-3. He shouldn’t be long."

Daniel nodded, chewed his lip thoughtfully, and asked, "How is he?"

"He’s been better, Daniel," Janet replied honestly. "You’ve both been through a horrifying ordeal. It’s not going to be easy to put this behind you, either of you."

"No," Daniel agreed softly. "When can I go home?"

Janet’s eyes widened in shock. "Don’t even think about that for at least five days," she exclaimed.

"Five days?" Daniel replied sourly.

"Give me a hard time and I’ll make it ten," she threatened.

"Five days isn’t so bad," Daniel quietly conceded.

"That’s five days before you even think about going home," she reminded crisply.

Annoyed blue eyes greeted her reminder.

"You received some serious knife wounds, Daniel. Do you think that drainage tube is in your abdomen for decoration?"

Daniel blushed and mumbled, "No."

"We almost lost you, Daniel. If the colonel hadn’t deflected that knife it would have gone straight into your heart," she explained.

"I-I don’t remember that," Daniel said, interest shining in his eyes.

"I’m not surprised. You’d lost a tremendous amount of blood by that time," she said gravely.

"So, what you’re saying," Daniel said thoughtfully, "is that Jack saved my life."

"You saved each other," Janet corrected.

Daniel stared at her and smiled. "I guess we did, didn’t we?"

"You certainly did. Now, get some rest, Daniel," she said, patting his leg gently.

******************************

Sam quickly exited Colonel O’Neill’s office, stunned and horrified by what she’d just learned. Obscene images of the colonel slashing Daniel to pieces assailed her mind. She felt nauseous. _Oh, God. No wonder the colonel had been acting so out of it. What kind of a man could do that?_ She stopped in the hallway, turned, and looked back at the closed door.

"Come in," Jack said in response to the firm knock.

He looked up from his desk and was surprised to see Major Carter.

"Carter?"

"Sir," Sam said, closing the door behind her.

"Yes, Major?" he inquired, a tightening in his stomach.

Sam straightened her shoulders. "Sir, I’ve always had the highest respect for your skill and leadership," she said curtly.

"I appreciate that, Carter," he said dully, "but…" _But what kind of a leader would butcher his teammate?_

Sam frowned. "What I mean to say, sir, is that I didn’t think I could respect you more than I already did. I’m proud, and I’m honored to be a member of your team," she said, saluting sharply.

Jack stood up slowly, the unexpected praise affecting him deeply. He returned her salute gravely.

"Thank you, Major."

Sam relaxed, nodded and turned to go.

"Carter?"

"Sir?" she asked, turning around.

"The honor is mine," Jack said seriously.

Sam’s face flushed a warm pink. "Thank you, sir," she said, and quickly left before she embarrassed herself further.

Jack sat down, blew out a long, tired breath, and reflected on the extraordinariness of his team.

********************************

Daniel gazed up at the ceiling tiles, bored out of his mind. Every time someone entered the infirmary his heartbeat quickened. Any distraction was better than lying here worrying about Jack. Janet had assured him that Jack was a frequent visitor; his visits just happened to coincide with Daniel’s pain medication times, and he was always unconscious. _Coincidence, my ass,_ Daniel thought glumly.

Teal’c gazed up at the ceiling tiles and quirked his eyebrow.

"What do you see, Daniel Jackson?"

Daniel jumped. "God, Teal’c. When did you come in?"

"A few minutes ago," Teal’c replied placidly, glancing at Daniel. He returned his gaze to the ceiling, a puzzled expression on his normally impassive countenance.

"You see, if you squint and don’t concentrate on any spot in particular," Daniel explained, "you can see constellations."

Doubtfully, Teal’c narrowed his eyes and stared up at the ceiling. He looked down at Daniel balefully. "Is this what the Tau’ri refer to as ‘pulling one’s leg?’"

"No," Daniel said quickly. "Um, maybe the morphine helps," he added sheepishly.

"Indeed."

"Can I ask you something, Teal’c?" Daniel asked, pulling himself up into an upright position.

"Of course," Teal’c responded, cushioning the pillows behind his friend’s back.

"Thank you," Daniel said, leaning back into the welcome support. "Teal’c, do you think I did the right thing by letting Jack think he was the one to be sacrificed?"

"I believe the outcome would have been very different if your actions had been otherwise," he replied immediately.

Daniel frowned. "Different…better?" he asked hesitantly.

"Different…tragic," Teal’c answered somberly.

Daniel nodded gratefully. In two words, Teal’c had condoned his decision.

"Has O’Neill spoken to you in this regard, Daniel Jackson?"

"No, we, uh, haven’t exactly been able to connect. It seems whenever he’s here I’m asleep," Daniel replied with a half-smile.

"You believe O’Neill is avoiding you?"

"I believe he’s having a hard time accepting what happened," Daniel answered quietly.

"What of you, Daniel Jackson?"

Daniel sighed and closed his eyes. He opened them slowly and looked guiltily at Teal’c.

"He doesn’t know the whole story yet. None of you do," he confessed wearily.

Teal’c studied the bright blue eyes and nodded sagely. "The method of execution was your idea."

Daniel nodded and looked away. "That’s part of it," he sighed softly.

"You are an amazing man, Daniel Jackson," Teal’c said solemnly.

Daniel snorted. "I don’t think Jack’s going to say that."

"You don’t think Jack’s going to say what?" a familiar voice asked.

Two heads swiveled towards the door.

"Jack?" Daniel said in surprise.

"How’s our patient?" Jack asked, sauntering up to the bed.

"He is well, O’Neill." 

Teal’c turned back to Daniel. "I will leave you two alone," he said, turning to leave.

"Thanks for coming, Teal’c," Daniel called out.

"It was my pleasure, Daniel Jackson."

Both men watched their teammate leave. When the door closed, Jack turned back to Daniel.

"So."

"So," Daniel responded, a weak smile on his face.

"How are you feeling?"

"Better, thanks. Much better."

"Good."

"Yeah."

Jack shoved his hands into his pockets and stared at his feet.

Daniel bit his lip and furrowed his brow.

"Look, Jack." 

"Listen, Daniel."

"You first," Daniel smiled.

Jack nodded and pulled the chair close to the bed and sat down. He leaned on his thighs, head down, his hands clasped together. When he looked up his eyes were dark and troubled.

"I need to know what happened," Jack asked quietly.

Daniel’s stomach roiled nauseously, and he swallowed past the lump in his throat.

"I know," he whispered, "and I need you to know."

"Well, at least we agree on something," Jack said cheerlessly. "Are you up to it?"

Daniel nodded. "I’m not due for any meds for a couple of hours," he smiled.

Jack returned the smile and asked, "Is the pain bad?"

Daniel shrugged uncomfortably. "Sometimes. Mostly if I move the wrong way. I think…I think it’ll be better once we clear the air, so to speak."

Jack smiled thinly. "Do you want anything?" he asked, delaying the inevitable. "Water?"

"Please, water would be good," Daniel replied.

"Sure," Jack said, filling up his cup from the jug on the table. His hand trembled slightly, and he scowled at it traitorously.

"Thanks," Daniel said, accepting the cup and taking a sip.

Jack resumed his seat and took a deep breath, exhaling slowly.

"Okay. First off, they wanted Carter, didn’t they?"

Daniel averted his eyes, unconsciously answering Jack’s query.

"Daniel?"

Daniel put his cup down and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"They, uh, they weren’t interested in us at all. They only wanted the ‘blue-eyed female’," Daniel confessed dully. "We could have left right away if we handed Sam over."

"Christ," Jack whispered.

"You can’t tell her, Jack," Daniel said anxiously, struggling to sit up. "She’s got enough to deal with. I don’t want her to know about this."

"Easy, I won’t tell her," Jack promised, placing his hand on Daniel’s shoulder and gently pushing his agitated friend back down onto the bed. 

Daniel relaxed, accepting Jack’s assurance.

"Well, anyway, I couldn’t let that happen. You understand that, don’t you?" Daniel inquired.

"I understand. You made the right decision, Daniel," Jack replied reluctantly. "So, how did you change their minds?"

Daniel began picking nervously at his sheets. "It wasn’t too difficult. I convinced them that I had been sent by their gods. That I was a blue-eyed male who could speak their language, and I would be honored to shed my blood to fertilize their land." Daniel looked cautiously at Jack, the latter’s eyes dark and inscrutable. "I swear to God, Jack, I tried to get us all out."

"Damnit, Daniel. Don’t you think I know that?" Jack said, his eyes softening to an anguished look. "But why you, Daniel?"

"Because I spoke their language. I understood what was happening."

"You could’ve have picked me and continued negotiating," Jack challenged.

"No, I couldn’t have," Daniel said flatly.

Jack stood up and started pacing. He picked up Daniel’s chart and was dismayed to realize that he could read it and understand it. _What the hell did you expect? You’ve seen enough of the damn things._ He placed the chart down, and shoved his hands into his pockets, hiding his fists.

"I’ve been doing some reading," Jack drawled casually. "Now, I know there are cultural aberrations, and correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t human sacrifices generally quick? One slice and out with the heart?" he asked, fixing Daniel with a penetrating eye.

Daniel looked away from the steady brown gaze, and Jack’s blood ran cold. _Crap, this keeps getting worse._

"Daniel."

"What do you want me to say, Jack?" Daniel snapped, looking back. "That you’re right, and I convinced them that a slow, painful death would be more honorable to their gods?"

"Did you?" Jack asked calmly.

Daniel lay back, closed his eyes and clenched his fists. "Yes," he gritted out.

"For crying out loud, Daniel," Jack whispered, pulling his hand out of his pocket and rubbing the back of his neck.

"I had to Jack," Daniel murmured. "I had to stall for time."

"That was my job, Daniel."

Daniel opened his eyes and looked at Jack. "That’s why…" He closed his eyes, fighting back the sting of tears. "Why do you think I chose you?" he asked in a whisper.

The implication in Daniel’s words sickened Jack, and he sat down heavily.

"You tell me," Jack said tonelessly.

Daniel squeezed the bridge of his nose, successfully halting the escape of tears.

"I could have chosen Teal’c," Daniel said slowly. "He would have done it and been honored, but he’s already carrying enough emotional garbage related to me. Sam…Sam’s like a sister. I couldn’t even think of doing that to her," he explained softly.

"That left me," Jack murmured.

"Yeah," Daniel said dully. "I had a whole bunch of reasons for choosing you. You’re the team leader for one thing. You’re trained in Special Ops which I still don’t know what the hell that is," he said, waving his hand around, "but I don’t think you’re a stranger to…to torture."

"Giving or receiving?"

"Both," Daniel whispered, forcing his nausea down so he could say what he had to say. "I figured you’d know the best places to draw blood while causing the least amount of damage," he said tonelessly.

"So, you thought I’d be able to carve you into little pieces and not be affected by it?" Jack challenged bitterly.

"No, God, no," Daniel exclaimed, anguish burning in his eyes. "God, Jack. I hated what I did to you. That damn knife tore you apart more than it did me. But I knew…I knew you would be able to do it. That you would be able to go to that place in your head that would allow you to do whatever it took to keep me alive. That…that you wouldn’t leave me behind."

Jack stared down at his hands, amazed at how well Daniel truly knew him. 

"I have nightmares," Jack said quietly, after a long silence.

"I’m sorry, Jack. I really am," Daniel said softly.

"What if you had died, Daniel?" Jack asked, looking up.

"I didn’t, Jack. You wouldn’t allow it," Daniel insisted. "He was going to cut out my heart but you stopped him."

"Damn it, Daniel. You were on life support for three fucking days! How was I supposed to live with myself if you died? You have an answer for everything. Tell me that?"

"Because it’s what you do. You’re a survivor, Jack," Daniel said earnestly.

"You don’t know shit, Daniel!" Jack said lurching to his feet. "And I’m getting damn sick and tired of holding your dying body in my arms! Where does it stop, Daniel? When I kill you myself?" he challenged, looming over the bed.

Jack took no pleasure in his interrogation, but he was hurt and angry. He hadn’t lied about the nightmares. Only in his nightmares, Daniel was screaming and begging him to stop.

"Colonel O’Neill?" Janet said coolly, having observed the volatile scene from her office.

"We need to get this out, Doctor," Jack said through clenched teeth.

"Not at the risk of endangerment to my patient’s health, Colonel," Janet replied warningly.

"It’s okay, Janet," Daniel interceded. "Please, leave us. We need to do this."

Janet glanced at the colonel’s bowed head, clearly unhappy with his behavior, but also sympathetic.

"You know where I am if you need me, Daniel" she said crisply.

The two men listened in silence to the hard click of Janet’s heels receding to her office.

Jack sat down and lowered his head to his hands, massaging his forehead.

"Christ, Daniel. I don’t want to hurt you," he whispered. "I just need to understand."

Daniel massaged his own head, silently cursing the IV lines and the stitches that pulled unmercifully every time he breathed.

"I knew it would hurt you, Jack," he said wearily, "but you’re the strongest, most courageous man I know. You survived your son’s death. You’d survive mine. I swear to you, Jack, I had no intention of dying. But if…but if I did die, I didn’t want it to be by a stranger’s hand. I wanted it to be by your hand," he confessed softly.

Jack looked up, red-eyed. "Why?" he asked hoarsely.

Daniel blushed slightly and said, "Because you’re my best friend, and I know you love me."

Jack looked away, utterly at a loss as to what to say.

"I don’t want to die alone, Jack. Alone and forgotten on some alien planet. I know it’s selfish, but I want to know I mattered and that someone was there holding me till the end. That the last thing I saw was the face of a loved one." 

Jack looked back and stared. 

Daniel lowered his eyes and fidgeted with his pyjama top. "Um, you do, don’t you?" he asked hesitantly.

Jack chuckled and shook his head.

"You’re doing it to me again, Daniel."

Daniel looked up and smiled. "That’s why you love me?"

"Enough of the love thing, for crying out loud. These walls have ears you know."

Daniel snickered then winced as his stitches pulled. He saw the guilt on Jack’s face, and his heart ached for his friend’s pain.

"Jack, I don’t expect you to forgive–,"

"Forgive? Jesus, Daniel, you’re the one who’s all cut up," Jack exclaimed.

"But you’re the one still bleeding," Daniel said softly.

Jack sat back with a sigh. "You really don’t play fair, Daniel, and if you say that’s why I, you know," he said, waving his hand, "I’ll smack you."

Daniel smiled as he eyed his friend critically. He knew what he had made the older man do would haunt him forever. 

"I have them too," Daniel said quietly.

Jack looked at him, anticipating his words.

"Nightmares," Daniel said.

Jack looked slightly ill, but he kept his eyes on Daniel.

"I see your face," Daniel said carefully. "I don’t feel any pain when you use the knife, but I see it in your face. Just like now."

"It’s not something I’ll be able to forget, Daniel."

"I know. Neither will I, but it’s something we can live with," Daniel said adamantly. "Jack, please. Please believe me when I say you did the right thing. I honestly believe we wouldn’t have gotten out any other way."

Jack lowered his head. After a few moments he shook his head and said grimly, "No, Daniel, it’s not enough."

Daniel shivered at the words and looked away sadly, missing the glint in the older man’s eyes.

"It’s not enough because you haven’t told me you love me," Jack said, barely keeping a straight face.

Daniel looked at Jack in disbelief.

"Well?" Jack said, holding out his hands.

Daniel’s face broke into a wide grin.

"I love you, Jack." 

"Okay, now it’s enough," Jack said.

"I love you for your courage."

"Hey, I said it’s enough."

"I love–,"

"For crying out loud, Daniel. Enough already," Jack said, his ears turning red.

Daniel laughed softly and then sucked in a breath at the resulting pain.

"Daniel?" Jack asked in concern, leaning forwards.

Daniel swallowed hard and took a cautious breath. "I think…I think I might be overdue for my pain meds," he rasped.

"Crap, I thought you said a couple of hours."

"Give or take," Daniel admitted sheepishly.

"Damn it," Jack grumbled, reaching for the buzzer.

Daniel grabbed Jack’s arm and clenched it firmly. "We’re going to be all right, aren’t we?"

"Yeah, Danny," Jack said, clasping his hand firmly, while pressing the buzzer. "This isn’t going to go away overnight, but we’ll get through it together. But if you start up with that love crap again you’re on your own," he threatened.

Daniel’s eyes crinkled in amusement just as Janet entered the room.

"Well, I can see you’re still friends," she said smiling at the clasped hands. "That means you don’t need me as a referee so it must be your pain medication, Dr. Jackson. I’m surprised you waited this long," she chastised.

"That’s our Daniel," Jack quipped. "Look in the dictionary under stubborn, ornery and pain in the ass, and you’ll see Daniel Jackson," he said smiling.

Daniel looked at Jack, mischief sparkling in his pain-heavy eyes.

"That’s why you–,"

"Daniel!"

**The End**

  


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>   
>  **  
>  **
> 
> Author's note: This story first appeared in Redemption 2 (February 2003) by AshtonPress. Many thanks to Jmas for the beta.

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> © September 2004 Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the sole   
> property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret   
> Productions and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only   
> and no copyright infringement is intended.   
> 

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